


in love, or whatever

by candlewick



Series: Connor Murphy in makeup [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lucky Charms are involved, M/M, Onesided Kleinsen - Freeform, Unrequited Crush, rlly shitty and mild angst dw, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 13:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12321654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candlewick/pseuds/candlewick
Summary: Jared can't sleep. What better way to waste time by sadly pining over Evan and repressing his feelings until he breaks?





	in love, or whatever

**Author's Note:**

> *dials number* hello?? 911?? yes i would like to turn myself in for procrastinating and starting a fuck ton of fics at the same time

Jared felt... well, he wouldn't say "lonely". More like... an outsider. Neglected. Ignored, but not on purpose.  
  
Yeah, no, Jared was really fucking lonely.  
  
It wasn't that big of a deal. He gets it, that Alana and Zoe are a thing and Connor and Evan are another thing. Their friend group included not one, not three, but two gay couples. Yippee. Jared and loneliness were a thing, too. (Would loneliness be a guy or a girl? Nonbinary? What?)  
  
He knows he shouldn't feel bitter, but wouldn't anyone in his position feel bitter? He wasn't even the third wheel, he was the fifth wheel, which was so much worse. At least things need third thing. Like... wheelbarrows. Or tricycles. Triceratops had three horns.  
  
There was absolutely nothing with five things. Not anything he could think of, anyway.  
  
Wait, no, hands. Yeah.  
  
What was he thinking about again?  
  
Oh yeah, how fucking lonely he was.  
  
Jared huffed, staring up at his bedroom ceiling. It was, what, two AM? Just an hour after his facetime thing with his friends at the Murphy's house.  
  
Lame.  
  
After a shit ton of rambling and happy grins at Connor's agreement and everyone else's eye rolls, he'd hung up to "go to sleep." Pft. Sure, he slept like a rock at sleepovers, but when he was alone, he was too busy feeling lonely.  
  
Plus, the AC in his room made it way cold. The temperature controls were fucked though, so he was never able to make it warmer. Being over at someone else's house was always more comfortable in the sense of temperature. Especially if they let you cuddle with them. Evan Hansen was a pretty good cuddler.  
  
Woah, wait, here come the gay thoughts. Nope, nope. Evan was dating Connor now. Off the menu. Bye, Felicia.  
  
Jared sighed, suddenly frustrated and cold. He blinked up at the blurry ceiling in discontent. He wasn't allowed to think about Evan's arm around his waist, or his slow breaths down his neck, or how goddamn comfortable and calm he seemed while he was sleeping.  
  
Evan Hansen was taken and Jared was fine with it. Totally fine. Absolutely chill. Coolio. Connor was a lucky piece of emo shit.  
  
Okay, yeah, no, not allowed to be jealous, either. Just because he's known Evan for most of his life and picked up on all his nervous tics and helped him through some pretty major shit doesn't mean he was allowed to be jealous of anyone. Zoe didn't deserve his glares in the hallway before he actually got to know her and Connor didn't deserve his bullshit teasing before Jared learned to grow the fuck up.  
  
No jealousy. Just bottling up emotions in a very unhealthy way.  
  
God, Jared was a mess. Evan Hansen wrecked him in the best and worst ways possible. Fuck.  
  
Welp. Time to stress eat.  
  
Jared sighed softly and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of his bed. His socked feet was silent against the carpet and he resisted the urge to bring his blankets with him as he stood to find his glasses and the AC remote.  
  
He shivered as he patted the bedside table until he found his glasses, breathing on the cold ass plastic before sliding them on. His phone was pocketed as well, in case there was a burglar and he had no way to turn the situation into a porno like those shitty movies online. He found the remote right beside where they were and quickly turned off the AC as he hopped out of the room, leaving his door open so it could get warmer.  
  
He could just leave it off, but his room was in a shitty part of the house and got little air, so it was either freeze to death or suffocate in his sleep. Putting on thick socks and oversized pajamas every night seemed to help (even though the TMNT shirt he got from Evan during their freshman year of college wasn't too warm, but the thought of Evan made him feel warm, so he guessed they kinda balanced out. Not really).  
  
He didn't bother staying quiet. His roommate was away on some vacation trip thing he hadn't wanted to go on. Being the friend group loner was enough, he didn't want to risk leaving for a week and them totally cutting ties with him or something while he was away.  
  
It didn't seem too far fetched. The four of them were happy and dating and being gay and supportive. What was Jared there for? "Your mom" jokes? Sarcastic comments and shitty humor in inappropriate situations?  
  
Jesus fucking Christ, he was just comedic relief. The guy in every friend group who would be invited to the party last, who people might walk in on while he was jerking off rather than making out with someone, who people would come to hang out with only when everyone else was busy.  
  
Jared Kleinman was the "funny friend".  
  
What a loser.  
  
Where the fuck were his Lucky Charms?  
  
He cursed and grumbled to himself as he looked through his cabinets for a post-midnight snack. He soon found the cereal, shook the bag a bit so the marshmallows came to the top, then ate a handful. Good shit.  
  
The male wandered his kitchen as he munched on his cereal, occasionally sending glances out the kitchen window. Maybe he should go out somewhere. He hasn't done that since he caught someone behind him and they both got really paranoid since the stranger was following Jared and Jared kept glancing back at them. Luckily, it was just some high school kid who snuck out earlier and lived in the same neighborhood.  
  
Highschool. Geez, that was a while ago. What a shit show.  
  
Jared thought about how it had taken a solid ten minutes of acting interested in overpriced furniture and home decor before Evan actually approached him. Who knew things could get so emotional in a Pottery Barn? He'd even gotten a discounted vase out of it.  
  
His eyes shifted over to the light blue vase on the dining table. Blue hydrangeas were carefully placed in it. He remembered being told that blue hydrangeas, if taken with a positive attitude, can mean thankfulness for being understood.  
  
It reminded him of Evan's blue eyes and understanding nature, how he'd tried to dismiss Jared's apology with an apology of his own. How he'd tried to wipe tears away as he laughed at some joking remark Jared made. How he still fit into that stupid blue-striped polo shirt from senior year of highschool.  
  
He could've kissed Evan right then and there. God knows he wanted to.  
  
Okay woah, holy fucking shit, he was crying. Fuck, stop that.  
  
He left his cereal on the kitchen counter and rinsed the crumbs off his hands in the sink. He splashed some of the water on his face and snatched up a paper towel to dry it off.  
  
"This is why we don't stay up late thinking about our crush, you fucking shoelace," Jared scoffed at himself. Why did he have to be so fucking gay for some bisexual pile of Xanax dating some emo Hot Topic cosplayer?  
  
Whatever. He should just finish his damn Lucky Charms and go the fuck to sleep.

* * *

  
Jared couldn't fucking sleep.  
  
It was his own goddamn fault. He'd finished off his cereal and didn't want to go into his room, since it was still freezing in there.  
  
His solution?  
  
Get drunk and emotional on a Thursday night.  
  
Which.  
  
Regret.  
  
Because then he'd wanted to call Evan to flirt and cry over him, then wanted to call Connor to fight and cry over Evan, then Alana to whine and cry over Evan, then Zoe to fawn and cry over Evan. And before he knew what he was doing, Jared had his third glass of whiskey in front of him and his phone was up to his ear.  
  
The first call went unnoticed, but it only took one ring for the second call before Zoe picked up.  
  
"Jared, it's three in the fucking morning, what do you want?" She hissed, voice tired. There was shuffling in the background and he could make out Alana's questioning voice (also tired). "Go back to sleep, Alana."  
  
"I need attention because Evan is a little bitch," Jared spoke into the receiver. He was curled up on the couch, feeling pretty comfy.  
  
It took a moment for Zoe to respond, whispering to Alana about something.  
  
"I plugged my earbuds in. Here," she said eventually, sharing the earbuds with Alana. What a smart idea. "What did you say, Jared?"  
  
"I need attention because Evan is a little bitch," Jared repeated, slower this time. As an afterthought, he added "please."  
  
"What did Evan do?" Alana asked groggily. "He's probably asleep in Connor's room, do you need us to get him for you?"  
  
"No, no, he's not allowed to be up this late."  
  
"And we are?" Zoe mumbled into the microphone, earning a whisper from Alana. "Sorry. Why are you mad at Evan?"  
  
"Huh? I'm not mad at him," Jared said, confused.  
  
"Then why are you calling him a little bitch?"  
  
"He's not a little bitch." Jared leaned forward to grab his whiskey. "I think I'm the little bitch, 'cause I'm fucking... in love, or whatever."  
  
A pause. This whiskey tasted pretty good.  
  
"You're... in love? With Evan?" Alana asked, sounding more confused than Jared earlier.  
  
"Or whatever," he added. "I'm _almost_ drunk. This is whiskey number three, so."  
  
"Jared, why are you drinking right now?"  
  
"Because of Evan."  
  
"We're coming over."

 

* * *

  
Jared was in the middle of pouring whiskey number four when the doorbell rang, obnoxiously loud.  
  
"Hold on," he shouted, continuing to pour. After a moment, he placed the bottle down. Then he picked it up again to pour a tiny bit more in because why not? He took the glass with him, taking a sip as he opened the door. Afterwards, he tilted the glass back down to see Alana and Zoe with annoyed yet concerned expressions, as well as total bedheads. A smile grew on his face. "Woah ho ho, hello, sleepyheads."  
  
"Hi," Zoe said, unimpressed as she eyed the drink in his hand.  
  
"Can we come in?" Alana asked, glancing down at the whiskey as well. Jared considered offering them a drink since they both seemed interested, but he decided against it. He needed the whiskey. Instead, he just stepped to the side.  
  
"Make yourselves at home," Jared said in a sing-song tone, watching the girls enter the house before he closed and locked his front door. "You guys are cute together. Look at you two, holding hands. Aw."  
  
He wished he could hold Evan's hand. Connor better be holding that hand all the time.  
  
Oh Christ, not again.  
  
"Yeah, yeah-- Jared, are you crying?" Zoe asked, turning around to see him. He furiously wiped his face, frowning.  
  
"Crying? I don't cry, shut up." He did cry. A lot. "I don't cry."  
  
"It looks like-- Well, come here and sit down with us," Alana said carefully, heading to Jared's living room. He noticed the little glance the girls gave each other as they saw the multiple bottles of alcohol on the coffee table. Also, Lucky Charms. He was still eating that.  
  
"Don't worry, it's-it's just the whiskey," Jared lied, going to the back of the couch to hop over into the middle cushion. Best spot ever.  
  
"Right," Zoe drawled. "Anyways. You have a crush on Evan?"  
  
Alana kind of nudged her for that before they separated to sit on either side of Jared, who frowned.  
  
"No, not a crush. I'm in love, or whatever. Hey, like you two! When's the wedding?"  
  
"That's not important," Alana said quickly, shaking her head. Was she hiding something? "What's important is that you're in love--"  
  
"--or whatever."  
  
"Zoe gets it."  
  
"--with Evan," Alana continued. "How long has this been happening?"  
  
"All day, every day," Jared laughed, sipping more whiskey. He lowered the glass, then tried taking another sip, which didn't work. Zoe took the glass out of his hand. Huh. Girl must like to drink.  
  
"Be serious, Jared," the younger girl said. It was hard to take her seriously with her hair sticking up like that.

“How can I be serious? My name is Jared,” he snorted. “Okay, okay. A lot.”

“What?” Jared had to think for a moment, remembering the question.

“Oh. I meant I've loved him ever since a very long time ago. I don't know.”

“How long?” Alana urged, furrowing her brows.

“Uhh… like… years,” Jared said slowly, trying to recall when he started liking Evan. “I think… forever. When he shared his comic book collection with me and then we went trick-or-treating together. He was... Wolverine? Yeah.”

“When was this?”

Jared didn't even register who asked the question.

“That was such a long time ago. Sometime late elementary school, I think. And then a while after that, he started wearing lots of blue. That's his color, y'know. Like, have you seen his eyes?” He sighed heavily.

He barely noticed Zoe and Alana share a look, but didn't bother trying to figure out what it was. Instead, he just decided to figure out Evan.

That kid was weird. Blonde hair that had darkened over the years, barely-there freckles that had shown up after his apprenticeship at Ellison Park, that stupid awkward smile he'd make and those full, genuine grins and joyful laughter and plain happiness that became less rare since… since…

“Jared? Jared, are you okay?” Alana asked, concern evident in her voice.

“... since Evan started dating Connor,” Jared hiccuped, moving his glasses up to wipe his tears.

“What?”

“B-Before all of this, before we were all friends, I… It had been so long since I'd seen Evan smile. Like, really smile, and laugh, and be comfortable with it. A-And yeah, no, it's awesome you guys are our friends, but...” Jared sniffled before a quiet sob left him. “I could never-- H-He didn't-- God.”

Jared buried his face in his hands, feeling disgusting all over. He was never able to do that. To make Evan laugh or smile properly. When was the last time he actually did before their other friends were in the picture?

Two pairs of hands were on him now, patting and rubbing his back comfortingly.

As Jared sobbed into his hands, he hoped he could manage that. It had been a while since Jared had one of Evan's smiles all to himself.

It was probably gonna be another while until he did, though. And it was all his fault.

If he could've just been nicer, less sarcastic, more caring and open and available, the type of guy you'd have a deep conversation with while sprinkling in a few jokes every now and then.

If he could've just been a _friend_.

 

* * *

 

He woke up in his bed, skull pounding.

When had he fallen asleep? When had he gone back to his room?

Fuck, it was cold.

Jared shivered and patted the bed until he found his blankets that had fallen halfway off the bed, tugging them up to his chin. They were pretty cold, too, therefore pretty useless.

The male groaned and struggled to sit up despite the loud protests from his throbbing head. He squinted and touched the bedside table, quickly finding his glasses and putting them on. They didn't help at all (not that he'd expected them to), but it was nice to see as he stood up and trudged out of the freezing room.

He nearly faceplanted a few times as he stumbled down to the empty living room, squinting as he looked around. The coffee table was clear of any signs of alcohol, which was nice. Less cleanup time for him.

In the kitchen was a thermos, the lid loose enough that he didn't have to strain at all to open it. The smell of warm coffee drifted out of it and he sighed softly before taking a few good sips. There was also a post-it note on the counter in neat, bubbly handwriting. His took another sip of the coffee before taking the piece of paper off the counter to read it.

“Get your shit together.

\- Zoe and Alana”

A heart was drawn after their names. How cute.

Jared huffed out a quiet laugh and let the note flutter down onto the counter again. He turned around to lean back against the counter, staring at nothing as he slowly drank his coffee. It was starting to help. Maybe.

The sound of a phone vibrating against wood suddenly came from the living room. Jared turned, a bit too quickly and making him hold his aching temple as he walked over to pick up the device that was nearly dead, but not quite. He vaguely remember getting Alana and Zoe to visit, as confirmed by their adorable little note, so he expected the notification to be from one of them.

 **_Acorn:_ ** _Zoe told us you got drunk last night? Are you okay?_

Oh wow, no, this was so much better. His crush knew he was trying to get shitfaced last night. Awesome. Thanks, Zoe Murphy.

 **_You:_ ** _Yeah Im totally fine Ev dw_

 **_You:_ ** _Got a headache tho maybe you should come over and take care of me_

Jared turned the brightness down a lot and then sent a few rows of playful sick and doctor emojis. It didn't take long for Evan to respond.

 **_Acorn:_ ** _Shut up Jared!_

 **_Acorn:_ ** _I'm coming right now, let me know if I need to stop by the pharmacy to get you something._

Huh. Well, Evan was coming over, for some reason. That was… good.

 **_Acorn:_ ** _Connor is busy, so it's just me today! Don't move around too much!_

And he was coming alone.

Perfect.

Jared smiled to himself as he sent back thumbs-up and sunglasses emojis. To his delight, Evan replied with smiley faces.

Maybe he could actually enjoy the time when Evan visited. Maybe he could get his shit together for a little bit.

Slowly but surely, one step at a time, he’d come to terms with being in love.

Or whatever.

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't know how to write the ending but this has been sitting in my drafts for a super long time?? so i just decided to write what i could and post it sorry!!
> 
> next up could either be the Kleinsen Fic or more of the gals!! gotta be honest tho that's gonna be in a while bc rn i'm working on an expensive headphones thing!! so!! don't expect much from me!!
> 
> rad tysm for reading!!
> 
> EDIT: i didn't realize how long this was!! 3,000+ words!! yay me!!


End file.
